You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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