well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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