He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
