We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
