all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
