god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Alive.
So much puke
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
