Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
