I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
