things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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