I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
