Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
