Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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