Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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