Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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