I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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