Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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