The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
