So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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