why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
