fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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