don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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