Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
