he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
