i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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