i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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