So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
