I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize