i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Boobs are out for the taking
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
