the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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