I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
