I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's official drugs can't kill me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
