ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
