I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
