I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
