i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
