I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
how drunk are you?
Several
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
