three words: i give head
three words: not that well
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
