maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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