Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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