I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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