it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
