I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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