make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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