I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
