I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
