I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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