you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
