Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize