Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
