i permit you to call me
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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