Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize