you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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