Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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