ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
