if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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