I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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