He uses pillows to masturbate.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
