Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Shame - the story of my life.
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