Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
