You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
