you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
