Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
