After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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