Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
