apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize